Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I created so much stress about one simple task....

A few weeks ago we got notice that the Kinder Class was going on a field trip to the fire station. I was ecstatic and couldn't wait for hubby to go, well I found out hubby would be out of town. Which meant I could go, which also meant finding a baby sitter for Sweet Pea. That should be a piece of cake right...wrong!!!

Well I tried all my sitters I could think of and nothing was going to work....I decided it wasn't meant to be. I was so selfishly sad. I wanted to go on this field trip so bad. I wanted to see the fire station through my son's eyes. He has talked about being a fireman for so long, I wanted to see him enjoy the station fully. I was completely crushed I wasn't going.

Then last friday we got notice that the date had changed from thursday to wed. Well I mentally was still thinking thursday... I figured out that maybe, just maybe I could take Sweet Pea to preschool for the early session on thursday. I e-mailed her two teachers and they said yes. Yippy!!!! I was going on this field trip!!! But then it hit me an hour later ....the field trip is on wed. NOT thursday. SO again I was frustrated.

I called "K" very sad and upset....I wanted to go on this field trip maybe she could pick-up Sweet Pea from school and I could go....Perfect problem solved I'm going on this trip if it kills me. "K" said of course we figured out the details and we were set.

Which leads me to last up at 1AM still thinking about the entire thing....

* I was imposing on "K" for taking Sweet Pea
* I hadn't thought to ask "A" who was already going to be at school and could easily take Sweet Pea to playgroup with her
* I didn't even think to call "D" and just drop Sweet Pea off at her house on my way to school
* My daughter was already traumatized by the fact that she was going some place with out me
* My son wasn't as excited about going on the trip as I was
* And all this stress was simply because "I" wanted to go on the stupid field trip.

The morning came and I was still stressed...
I even called "D" on my way to school thinking I still had time to drop Sweet Pea off and not screw-up "K" more than I already had. But I chickened out thinking...."we had a plan just stick to it"

One of the moms had a fit in class when she saw Sweet Pea. She couldn't understand why I had her there if she wasn't allowed to attend the field trip...she jumped to conclusions before I had a chance to say that someone was coming to get Sweet Pea....well the conversation reminded Sweet Pea she wasn't staying and poor Sweet Pea got very upset. So I had to calm her down ( chocolate at 8AM worked rather well)

Then my phone rang and it was "K" here to pick up Sweet Pea. "K" was having a really yucky morning....Great and now it was gonna get worse simply by taking my screaming child with her. I felt even more guilty...Here I was dumping my child on her when she was already having a crappy day. I felt guilty for simply wanting to go with Little Buddy on the field trip. I felt guilty that I hadn't called "A". I felt guilty for having to basically force my poor screaming little girl into "K" car. This whole thing felt so wrong.

Sweet Pea and I left each other crying.....

I went on the field trip and had an amazing far the best field trip ever!!! I was able to enjoy and savor every minute like I wanted to. Sweat Pea went to playgroup and had a great time. She stopped crying as soon as she got there, she ate donuts, and gave "K" a big hug at the end. Everything turned out just fine...but is was so hard to go through and it was all just so blown-up and crazy. I feel like I put so many people through added stuff just so I could have my moment. I feel guilty now still but I wanted that. Is it so bad?? Why do I still feel guilty?? Everyone said it was fine...Sweet Pea said she would go with "K" again. Little Buddy loved having me there.

I think part of Sweet Pea's problems are from me...I have attachment problems to my kids so isn't it natural that they have attachment problems too. I'm not ready for my little boy to enter 1st grade, I want to savor every min. I can of Kindergarden. I wanted to savor this field trip. I wanted it to just be him and I. My daughter can sense things I'm sure. I jsut wish this wouldn't have been so hard. Thank goodness it is over!!!

Sorry I babbled so much I had to get this out....& I'm a good babbler anyways....bad spelling/grammer and all ;o)

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